the nightmare continues…i’m a buzzin in my madness and i know no better so have some sympathy…i am drowning in a sea of other people’s music, and want to create create create…but creation seems technologically impossible…get the idea down onto a track…what track?? tracks?? on my arm!?!?
hello hello hello every 5 seconds while someone’s crying in the background and an acoustic guitar gently caresses the soul and the dichotomy makes sense to me in my head…get it down…
as i reach to the future the past runs ahead and sticks it’s protruding tongue in my direction as i run in the present not knowing which way to go…sometimes it all seems too much but i don’t feel a breakdown coming…i’ve had 2 before and this is different…this is creative tension!!!
the need to get it down get it down as the years pass by and i get one step closer to the end…no melodrama, it happens to us all…
potential unfulfilled is haunting and keeps the drive going…then again it can shut it down completely if it gets too overwhelming or you’re dreaming in your scheming and goddammit the talent just ain’t there you’re just bullshitting yourself and that’s ok…
bullshit keeps us alive…
then again what the hell do i know i’m just trying to live to the best of my potential no matter how small that potential is…all you can do is try and keep on trying cause the word will never get written down the way you want it…the tune will never be as beautiful as it is in your head…and the idea will be holy in it’s purest state inside your mind, but when it’s out, it seems...empty…
when sex or the lack of sex was engulfing my mind in anger and confusion creativity seemed the purest form of masturbation…
the anger was pure
the masturbation was hard and direct…
then you get older and masturbation just seems…tiring…a duty...
the purity gets lost in cynicism but no no no can’t give in to cynicism that’s too easy and predictable…embrace whatever little creativity you have left and drown in it…it doesn’t have to end…keep it hard…keep it direct…let wisdom give you an erection and keep on stroking until the end comes and your body collapses and your mind starts to rot…
i still dream adventures that feel real seem real…i can still get off on a song that hits my inner sanctum and arouses something, something that can still make me feel…
the feeling i get when i look at my family: spouse, dog, cat…and that love is pure and true, and keeps me from saying fuck it fuck it…i’ve had enough of this shit…cause it’s too easy to fall into that trap, and it is a trap, it’s a cage…you gotta roam you gotta search and seek…it’s a huge fucking world out there and there’s an awful lot going on…
death is a trip we all take and I don’t want or expect anything to happen afterwards…the cycle of life will go on without me like it did before me…i’ll do what i can while i’m here…
you can worry about bank balances and the future and everything…all you can do is do the best you can and then laugh and say i tried baby i tried and know that you really did try…it’s no joke…
but
if the effort is lacking and the soul becomes lazy then you risk becoming a walking dead a piece of human clay walking around with a vacant look wondering what’s it all about…and then you become vulnerable to fit into the…majority…and that’s what you need to avoid…our race is made up of individuals…not puppets manufactured to all look and feel and think the same…but individuals with different feelings different emotions different outlooks…
don’t impose but share your vision then others will decide how much if anything to take what you have to offer…too much imposing on each other…
i respect my nightmares and i respect my dreams now i know i have to respect my creativity to let myself be free and free is all I can and want to be…
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