I have too much anger in me today...
This is not healthy.
I have incredible anger towards the insurance company that declined me for short-term disability benefits after a 3 year struggle doing Life Skills - something I never wanted to do in the first place, and ended up doing a fucking great job at, and it was good for maybe 6 months - until an accumulation of events lead me to numbing out...a sign that a "breakdown" is coming. I did the right thing - left work and made an appointment with the doc.
The doc listened to me for 45 minutes describe the events at work that led to me being there, and he got up and said: "you need 2 months off".
I felt relief...started going to the gym for the first time in over 10 years - so naturally I started to feel better after a couple of weeks...but, not even close to being ready to go back to work.
Then this insurance clown calls (Tysen H.), and in a 30 minute conversation steered totally by him (as he read off the computer - I know, I worked at a call centre at a bank and you are not allowed to think - they tell you what to say right down to the exact phrasing!), he declined me for short-term disability benefits! Every fucking peon here gets short-term disability...except me! I obviously didn't play things up like I should have - I indicated that after 2-3 weeks I was improving - that was a mistake. I should have said I was still a mess...well, he made sure that I was going to be even a worse mess than before.
I have Major Depression and the last 7-8 years has been incredible hell with time periods of relief here and there. Then some joker behind a desk in Vancouver sends me a letter explaining what disease and disability are. I live with the fucking depression - so does the Guru - so does Poobah - and I don't like it and I want it to end (the depression, not life), but since that call declining my benefits I have started having panic attacks...something I didn't have regularly before..thank you Mr. Insurance Dickhead. [aside: btw - I have 2 docs who completely support me and can't believe I was declined - I'll appeal, and thanks to the 2 doctors for listening, and hearing, me.]
I want to do computer work - I can for about 5 minutes...until my brain gets foggy...
I want to write - I put it off...
I know where I want to end up career wise, but I'm having a bastard of a time getting there.
I need to think like a web programmer once again...
I need to leave the bullshit jobs behind me or I'll never deal with this depression...
I'm stuck, but trying to claw back out...I can still see a light where anger can melt into something constructive, where creativity can reign supreme...or at least where I can have a job that is at least...ok...that would be...ok...
I needed this rant cause this is what's on my mind lately, and I gotta get it out...so I can leave it behind...and as I write this I can feel the anger dissipate just a bit...thank you for your time motherfuckers...
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note: cool pic from This Southern Blog (about someone dealing with autism).
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